You Cannot Destroy Me; I Destroy Me. ♥

The ONLY result of going into IP is that i’ve got fatter. In all other aspects, nothing has changed. Mentally, the anorexia is just as strong. I’m coping a little better being on a maintenance diet than weight restoration, but i still hate myself for eating. I still feel guilty and greedy and undeserving. The anorexia still refuses to allow me to drink - i have tiny sips of water with my meds, and drink the compulsory milk snacks, but i literally can’t remember the last time i allowed myself to drink a glass of water.

Physically, I think i actually feel worse than when i was admitted - i feel very weak and lacking in energy, i still can’t walk very far, and even tho my current BMI allows me a daily half hour walk, i still use the stairlift and get pushed around the grounds in a wheelchair. I feel dizzy constantly and often feel nauseous. I get too dizzy to use the shower, so despite the pain in my tailbone, i have to use the bath. I’m pretty sure I’m at the highest BMI of any of the other girls on the unit, yet while they are going to groups and out for walks and having weekend leave, i lie on my bed exhausted and lacking in energy. There are days when i sleep literally the whole time. It only makes me hate myself more as i’m the fattest one here, and i always feel so fucking lazy. I can’t sit for any length of time as the pain in my tailbone is incredible. Lying on my sides hurts the bones at the tops of my thighs. My painkillers dose was increased as the pain in my lower back is so severe, and although it has dulled the pain for a good few weeks, i’m beginning to feel it again.
Due to the fact I decided to go onto maintenance, i will be discharged in less than two weeks. Physically and mentally, even i can see i’m too poorly to be at home and look after myself, but you’re not allowed to stay in hospital if you’re not restoring weight. There’s too much pressure on beds apparently, despite the fact that over my whole 12week admission, there have been only 4 patients in an 8 bed unit, so i don’t see that there can be a massive waiting list.

I’m literally terrified about being discharged. I will have no support at home as my boyfriend will be working away during the week, leaving me entirely on my own. My local CMHT have basically said that if i’m discharged at this weight, they can’t support me because I’m too ill. I’ll see an ED nurse here once a fortnight (that’s if I’m even physically strong enough to make the journey here and back).

It’s obvious that i cannot cope on my own right now. I can’t even allow myself to drink. I’m scared i’ll end up back in hospital within days. I’m scared this thing will kill me this time. Eat me from the inside out.

I’ve been eating properly for 3 months now. Surely I should have more energy than this? Has anyone else experienced any of this, or have any advice? i don’t want to slip backwards once I’m discharged, but at BMI 16, i only have a little way to fall until i’m right back where i started. :(

Recently, I have begun to question everything. Like when people tell me that I don’t see myself as everyone else sees me, I wonder whether it’s actually their perception that’s wrong, and not mine. Whether it’s actually the rest of the world that’s wrong, and i’m the only one who can see things rationally. Sometimes I wonder if it’s all a conspiracy, and everyone is plotting together against me, pretending i’m too thin just to make me fat. I know it doesn’t sound completely rational, but sometimes i’m convinced i’m the only sane person left, and everyone else is crazy. Obviously, I can’t tell anyone about these thoughts, because if I’m wrong, i guess it will show how ill my head is and the strength of anorexia’s grip over me, and if i’m right….well, there would be no point in telling anyone anyway.

I would rather die skinny than live fat.

Whenever i tell any of the staff here that I am the fattest here, and that I worry that all the other girls are thinking i’m fat, they always use the “oh, it’s just because you’re tall!” excuse. For a start, I’m 170 cm - it’s not like i’m shockingly tall, and also, since BMI takes height into account, it means nothing. I’m still the fat one. I may still fit the criteria for a diagnosis of anorexia, but there’s thin, and there’s thin thin. I want to be teeny, tiny, shockingly thin. i want to look ill thin. I know that’s totally messed up and i shouldn’t feel this way, but i do.

Update [TW - mentions numbers/BMI]

I was admitted as an inpatient just over 11 weeks ago. My BMI at the time was 15, which i believed was far too high to justify an admission to an EDU, but physically i was very ill; i could barely walk, was always breathless and was very dehydrated after barely drinking anything at all for over a week.

On a weight restoration diet at the unit, you are expected to gain between 1 - 1.5 kg a week, and your diet is adjusted accordingly. Initially, i set a target weight of BMI 17, because i thought i could handle it without totally freaking out, and could handle leaving IP and maintaining that weight without wanting to lose.

Realistically, i’m not entirely sure how i’ve managed to keep my place here, as over the course of my admission i have gained a total of 3 kg. i hit BMI 16 and totally freaked out. i feel absolutely enormous especially compared to all the other girls here who are tiny. My thighs are like tree trunks, my face is a round ball of fatness. I know i’m the one that all the other girls look at and dread ever becoming as fat as i have.I feel way too fat and for the first time, the thought crossed my mind that i wanted to just go home and lose the weight i’d gained immediately. i don’t want to leave here with thoughts like those. i want to leave here at a weight i can just about cope with, and feel okay to maintain.

i decided to go onto a maintenance plan at BMI 16, which started yesterday. It is such a relief to be eating less food but at the same time, I’m scared i made the wrong decision. i’m scared i let the anorexia make the decision for me. The thing is, once you go onto a maintenance plan, you can only stay in hospital for 2 more weeks. i am so so scared about being discharged. Although i may not see it in my appearance, i.know that mentally i am still very sick - the anorexia still dominates everything. i still can’t eat a meal without a fair amount of support, and the only water i drink is a few sips with my meds. i still cannot allow myself to drink. physically i’m still pretty weak, get dizzy a lot, can only walk for short distances and am lacking energy to the point where i spend most of the day asleep or resting on my bed. i can’t walk far enough to be allowed out for my daily walk, and have to be pushed in a wheelchair. obviously this mars me feel lazy and disgusting as girls here at lower BMIs are much more active and full of energy than me - the fat one. i can’t even sit for long as my tailbone is so fucking painful and i’m on regular high doses of painkillers to cope with the agonising pain in my lower back.

They say that the more times you get to a low weight, the more times you push your body, the longer it takes for it to recover. realistically, i know i’m not well enough to go home, but the only way to stay is to gain.more weight which i just can’t. i’m so so scared. i don’t want to go home, only to end up back here in a few months. i also found out yesterday that my granny has cancer and only has a few weeks left to live. this is not a good time for me to be discharged. not eating is my coping mechanism and i don’t know that i could carry on eating at home when my granny actually dies. honestly, i doubt i could.

everthing is shit. i can’t see myself realistically, so i have to rely on other people to tell me how i look. but how do i know who to trust when some people say i look ill and my face is so boney they can see the outline of my skull, yet others tell me i look so much better/healthier/less boney in my face?! i’m so confused. would gaining 3 kg be noticeable? all i know is that to myself, i feel massive and i hate hate HATE it.

I forget what life was like before this disorder.

relevant.

(Source: confessionsabouteatingdisorders, via to-choose-life)

My brother came to visit me tonight. He told me that our granny is in hospital and has been diagnosed with bowel cancer. She probably only has a few weeks left to live.
About 10 minutes later, it was time for evening snack and i had to sit and drink my fucking mug of full-fat milk when putting calories into my body is the very last thing i wanted to die. Starving myself is my coping mechanism, so how the fuck do i cope with knowing that my granny is dying when i’m stuck in an eating disorders unit where i have no choice but to eat? I just want to give up and totally disappear.

I don’t want to commit suicide but most of the time I wish I was dead.

So fucking relevant.

(Source: confessionsabouteatingdisorders)