The ONLY result of going into IP is that i’ve got fatter. In all other aspects, nothing has changed. Mentally, the anorexia is just as strong. I’m coping a little better being on a maintenance diet than weight restoration, but i still hate myself for eating. I still feel guilty and greedy and undeserving. The anorexia still refuses to allow me to drink - i have tiny sips of water with my meds, and drink the compulsory milk snacks, but i literally can’t remember the last time i allowed myself to drink a glass of water.
Physically, I think i actually feel worse than when i was admitted - i feel very weak and lacking in energy, i still can’t walk very far, and even tho my current BMI allows me a daily half hour walk, i still use the stairlift and get pushed around the grounds in a wheelchair. I feel dizzy constantly and often feel nauseous. I get too dizzy to use the shower, so despite the pain in my tailbone, i have to use the bath. I’m pretty sure I’m at the highest BMI of any of the other girls on the unit, yet while they are going to groups and out for walks and having weekend leave, i lie on my bed exhausted and lacking in energy. There are days when i sleep literally the whole time. It only makes me hate myself more as i’m the fattest one here, and i always feel so fucking lazy. I can’t sit for any length of time as the pain in my tailbone is incredible. Lying on my sides hurts the bones at the tops of my thighs. My painkillers dose was increased as the pain in my lower back is so severe, and although it has dulled the pain for a good few weeks, i’m beginning to feel it again.
Due to the fact I decided to go onto maintenance, i will be discharged in less than two weeks. Physically and mentally, even i can see i’m too poorly to be at home and look after myself, but you’re not allowed to stay in hospital if you’re not restoring weight. There’s too much pressure on beds apparently, despite the fact that over my whole 12week admission, there have been only 4 patients in an 8 bed unit, so i don’t see that there can be a massive waiting list.
I’m literally terrified about being discharged. I will have no support at home as my boyfriend will be working away during the week, leaving me entirely on my own. My local CMHT have basically said that if i’m discharged at this weight, they can’t support me because I’m too ill. I’ll see an ED nurse here once a fortnight (that’s if I’m even physically strong enough to make the journey here and back).
It’s obvious that i cannot cope on my own right now. I can’t even allow myself to drink. I’m scared i’ll end up back in hospital within days. I’m scared this thing will kill me this time. Eat me from the inside out.
I’ve been eating properly for 3 months now. Surely I should have more energy than this? Has anyone else experienced any of this, or have any advice? i don’t want to slip backwards once I’m discharged, but at BMI 16, i only have a little way to fall until i’m right back where i started. :(